How To Set Boundaries in a Relationship: Your Boundary Exercises

As a follow up to the post “What is a Boundary: The Answers You Need to Know”. here are boundary exercises to help you identify and express your personal boundaries. Practicing these exercises before you need them in real time can increase your success.

Self-Awareness Exercises

These exercises aim to help you identify the boundaries that matter to you.

1.      The Energy Check Exercise

Taking inventory can shed light on your experience and help you gain insight into your boundaries.

At the end of each day, review and write down:

  *What interactions felt good?

   *What drained you?

   *When did you feel anxious, angry, or dismissed?

Strong emotional reactions often point to a boundary that needs attention. You can revisit the interaction later if a boundary violation has occurred. Keep reading for how to do so.

 2. Values Clarification Exercise

Ask yourself:

*What matters most to me?

*What kinds of relationships do I want?

*What behaviors align with my values?

Boundaries become clearer when values are clear. Building relationships with people who share the same relationship values makes it much easier to connect with mutual respect. Similarly, creating space with people who repeatedly violate your boundaries shows self-respect.

3.      Body Signal Awareness

Notice physical signs when your boundaries are crossed.

·         Tightness in chest or throat

·         Stomach tension

·         Irritation

·         Exhaustion

·         Withdrawal

               The body often recognizes boundary violations before the mind does. Intentionally listening to your body’s messages often gives you the clues you need to take action.

Boundary Communication Exercises

4.      Practice “I” Statements

Speaking for yourself allows you to take a firm tone without putting the other person on the defensive. Here’s a format to use:

“I feel _______ when ______ because_______.  In the future. I need __________.”

An example: “I feel frustrated when you arrive late because being on time is important to me.  In the future, I need you to be reasonably on time.”

5.      The Short Response Exercise

Healthy boundaries don’t require long explanations. It’s ok to keep it short and sweet.

Practice saying aloud:

“No.”

“That doesn’t work for me.”

“I’m not available.”

“I need time to think about it.”

“Let me get back to you on that.”

If setting a boundary makes you feel like a deer in the headlights, having a go to response on hand helps you feel more prepared and able to respond with confidence.

6.      No need to apologize!

There’s no need to say you’re sorry when you set a boundary. You don’t need to apologize for expressing what you want. Remember you aren’t responsible for anyone’s feelings but your own. When you set boundaries, you are responsible for yourself and there’s no need to say you’re sorry for that!

In sum, healthy boundaries are not about controlling other people but more about clearly communicating what you accept, value and need. Using these exercises overtime will reduce stress and can lead to positive changes in your relationships.

If you’d like help setting, communicating and enforcing healthier boundaries in your life, reach out for a consultation.

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