What is a Boundary: The Answers You Need Now

The word “boundary” has become a popular buzzword lately. You may have even heard of it referred to as “weaponized therapy speak”. There is a lot of misinformation around what is a boundary. This is really unfortunate. Because, truthfully, learning how to set healthy boundaries can be life changing.  

Defining Boundaries (Especially Your Own) 

To answer the question, “what is a boundary”, let’s look at the simple definition. The term boundary simply means marking off your territory. You can think of it as a mental fence, something to mark the line between what’s yours and what’s someone else’s. There are many different types of boundaries such as physical, emotional-relational, sexual, intellectual, spiritual, etc. 

Knowing your boundaries and enforcing them creates a sense of safety which allows you to enjoy more personal confidence and a deeper connection in your relationships. Property lines are hard to visualize until a fence is constructed. In a similar way, you should always take the time to clearly construct and express your personal boundaries.  

Rules vs. Boundaries 

If your request pressures someone into changing their behavior, that is a rule – not a boundary. Your boundaries should only affect your choices and behavior. To continue with the fence analogy, you can’t build a fence in your neighbor’s yard. Still, rules are not a bad thing! They can be a great way to establish norms and mutual safety in a relationship. At the same time, you can’t make someone do something and they can’t make you either.  

For example, a rule might look like: 

We do not talk badly about each other’s body 

A related boundary might be: 

If you talk badly about my body, I will walk away from the conversation 

But HOW Do You Express Boundaries?  

The first step in setting healthy boundaries is exploring what’s INSIDE the fence. Understanding what you are responsible for, and what you are not, is one of the most powerful shifts you can make for your mental health and well-being. So, what are you responsible for?  

Knowing and Expressing Your Needs 

Start by listing out your needs. Some common ones include rest, connection, space, and/or personal support. You are the only person capable of recognizing these needs fully. That means it is your full responsibility to express what you need as you need it.  

No matter how well-intentioned, other people can’t choose to meet your expectations if they don’t know what they are. Assuming others can read your mind is a recipe for resentment. Think of your fence. Do you have a nice picket fence or a loose trail of sand? One is easier to keep in place than the other. 

Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors 

If you are an adult, you are responsible for how you act. This means that you are in charge of processing and managing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Yes, other people might be incredibly influential, and you can’t always control how you feel. And yet, you are in the driver’s seat. To be effective at setting and maintaining boundaries, you need to accept this. By learning to self-soothe and respond thoughtfully, you create the space you need to make positive choices. It’s the difference between caving to people pleasing during a fight (while secretly blaming the other person) and holding firm to your original boundary. 

A Barrier or A Blessing? 

As you begin to set boundaries in your life, you may feel like you are isolating yourself from your loved ones. This could be true in the beginning. But, overtime, boundaries tend to feel less like barriers and more like opportunities.  

Boundaries allow us to be authentic because they separate what is true to us and what isn’t. By setting boundaries, you are asking to connect with others in healthier, honest relationships. They are a complete blessing! 

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