Meta-communication: A Powerful Way To Improve Your Relationship
Understanding Metacommunication and How It Can Improve You Relationship
Have you ever had an argument with your partner that seemed to be about one thing, but underneath it was really about something else? This is where meta-communication, a concept associated with relationship researcher John Gottman, can help you improve your relationship.
What is Metacommunication?
Metacommunication is the communication that goes beyond just the words we say. It means talking about how we're communicating with each other. Instead of focusing only on the disagreement, you pause and pay attention to the tone, words, emotions and patterns going on in and between you.
Examples of Metacommunication
For instance, rather than saying, "You never listen to me", try stepping back and saying, "I notice that when we talk about this, I start to feel unheard, I become critical and we get into the same old argument. I don't want us to keep getting stuck here."
Why It Matters
Understanding these non-verbal signs is important because it helps you get to the real message behind the words. It helps you avoid arguments and resolve conflicts in a way that preserves the connection in your relationship. This leads to better conversations and stronger relationships with others.
How Can You Practice Meta-communication?
1. Pause when emotions arise
If you notice defensiveness, criticism or frustration, take a minute to slow down and think. Take a short break if necessary. Take the time to respond rather than react.
Name the pattern
Calmly express what you're noticing. Say, "I think we're getting stuck here. Can we start over?" Verbalizing your awareness about what's happening in the conversation can derail escalation and prevent a fight.
Talk about your feelings
Instead of blaming your partner, describe your experience using I Statements. "I'm feeling anxious and I think that's why I'm getting short with you."
Listen for what is underneath the words
Anger may be covering hurt, disappointment or a desire for connection. Having the self awareness to identify and label your emotions during a challenging conversation can go a long way in how it turns out.
Healthy relationships aren't free of conflict. What matters most is how couples respond to each other when conflict occurs. Learning to step outside the immediate disagreement and notice how you are communicating can create greater understanding, reduce defensiveness and help you and your partner reconnect.
Changing the outcome of a conversation can often begin with simply changing the way you talk about the conversation. Awareness and sharing your experience with your partner using meta-communication can make a big difference in any relationship.
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